We all know how easy it is to preach "good vibes only" when things are going well for you. For me, the biggest key to my own peace was accepting the human experience through surrendering to the reality that things aren't always positive. It's okay to be sad, to be angry, to feel lost, to have negative emotions. Nothing is wrong with having emotions. Society would like us to believe that you have to always look and feel well put together, especially with social media and the bumbling demand to post the best aspects of your life. Girl, boy, whoever, be reasonable with yourself... no one is always well put together. How you respond to your emotions and how you treat other living beings in the process is what truly cultivates your reality. There will always be external stressors. You aren't the only one with trials and tribulations and responsibilities. The real battle is not turning your internal stressors into external ones, the reason being so that you don't give your power away. Paying forward the little bit of happiness you do have will go a long way. Although being uncomfortable feels negative, it also keeps you from being stagnant. You don't have to hold onto any negativity. You can shift the narrative, by repaying negative thoughts, words, or actions with some TLC. October was a month of acceptance for me. I had to redefine who I was by redefining how I responded. Instead of responding in despair, I had to learn how to be hopeful, something I could not have done without prioritizing my own spirituality.
| October 4, 2019, | 12:42 am |
I got home for the first time tonight and cooked a meal on the stove. Simultaneously, I looked at the microwave and saw ants in a flurry, gathering on a rag. Immediately, I understood that they were panicked by the sudden heat, so they must've nested themselves behind the stove while I was gone. I picked up the rag that they were on and set it outside in the dumpster. While cleaning, I noticed there were a few stray ants left. I'm not in the habit of killing insects, plus it hurt my heart to see them like that earlier, so I decided to help them out. Quick thinking led me to extend a finger out to them. One ant moved its antennas as if it was allowing itself to trust me, and I was able to let it outside with the rest. At the same time, two other ants scurried back into danger as a consequence of not trusting me. Instead of receiving the truth that they needed to find a new safe home, they followed their most primal instincts and feared me. Their fear is justifiable, not to mention they might've found their way outside without me, who knows, but I took precautions to make sure no pests come back, which means my house is not the safest environment for them. It made me think about life differently. What is the difference between an ant that only knows the life of an ant, and vice versa with humans? We were both made by God. Humans merely have a higher level of discernment.
Because I had the spirit of discernment, I was able to see the error in the ways of others. But without the spirit of love, I wouldn't have been able to show empathy and compassion to anyone or anything. Without the spirit of forgiveness, I would've been so caught up on resenting the fact that the ants were in my house and crossing my boundaries, I would not have been able to show living beings the grace of God. Without the spirit of strength, I would have been scared to do what is right, and I would not have had the endurance to finish eating, cleaning the space, and applying natural insect repellant so that they do not come back. At the end of the day, God made us both but we both have very different needs and ways that we live life. Or maybe, we're not that much different at all, but it requires a different level of discernment we both lack, to see. Without that discernment, the most optimal decision won't always be easy to make. That is why we stand strong and courageous, but also remain humble and practice patience.
When you're on a journey to find yourself, you have to focus on yourself. Be authentic. Self-discovery isn't always rainbows and sunshine. I had to admit I have flaws like anyone else. So, I decided to turn my flaws into my strength! I decided that instead of searching for outside stimulation in destructive ways, I can reach out to people in positive ways, as long as I'm mindful of the energy I take in and what energy I put out. Conservation is key. When dealing with people, it all boils down to their intentions. If someone has good intentions, be patient with them. They might not have all the right tools, or they may be testing new waters, no one's perfect. You've been there yourself Tyra, and sometimes the things that kept you afloat were the people around you who were more experienced and encouraged you. Just understand that people don't need your help. People want support while they grow, and you can only give support in environments where you can grow, too. Prioritize yourself! I found the best way for me to be able to do that was by first prioritizing God.
|5:55 pm|
The truth is bittersweet. You can think that you're helping people, and you're not. You can build and build, but if the foundation isn't stable, the building will crumble. Nevertheless, the beauty in it is that even when it crumbles, even when all your hard work is undone, it is only so you can make your foundation stronger. I have to use my experience to do things differently, so that I can create order in my life. Its time to break down any buildings that are not stable, so that I may cultivate new structures. I decide to make a commitment to let go of any bond I've built on unstable grounds, so that we both may be free to choose if we want to rebuild them. We should be free to find own happiness, not the facade we create through ignoring our pain.
I appreciate being shown the error in my ways. The reason I wanted to fix everyone else is because I was scared to acknowledge the battle going on in my own home. I thought that maybe if I worked outward, it would somehow manifest inward, too. The truth is that I didn't think I had the power to help myself, or my family. But that wasn't the truth. The problem was never in me or my family, but in my expectations. I didn't have to fix anyone, I simply had to give love and put genuine intent behind it. Intentions really are everything. Am I trying to heal people because I feel uncomfortable with their sadness, or is it because I truly care about this person and their wellbeing, outside of how it affects me? I have to make sure I'm not being selfish in my actions, and that when I aim to heal others it is not to heal the pain that is within myself.
|October 6, 2019|2:52 am|
Tyra, what pain are you holding onto? I'm afraid that I don't know how to love, or how to be loved. I put a boundary between myself and the people I love. I treat them like a baby, instead of like my equals. I often underestimate how self sufficient others are, and neglect the wisdom and love I can receive from them because of that. It's not that I didn't understand other people, I didn't understand myself. I have to learn how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable, and only aim to control myself. I have to learn to be self reliant, too. Only then will I be able to work as a unit.
For so long I've revolved my life around the responses of other people, and in that I've lost my accountability. It's a very new thought for me to own up to the idea that I am accountable for my actions, because for so long I've thought of myself as a victim. Quite the contrary, Tyra you are no victim. You are a victor. Actually, you are more than that. You are beautiful. You are loving. You are strong minded. You are powerful. Step outside the box that says you have to be saved. Treat yourself with patience and mindfulness, and recognize that endurance does not mean you won't go through something. Endurance means you will get through it! You aren't omnipotent or omniscient, but modestly powerful enough to take charge of the things you can control, which are far and few. Who am I to try to control things that will happen with or without my permission? Have faith in God that things out of your control are working for your good.
|3:49 am|
It honestly feels so good to be dedicated to something. Not really "something" but to be dedicated to helping yourself heal. It feels good to know that I want better and that I'm putting my best foot forward. There's a lot I'm trying out that I'm not sure if I made the right decision, but the intentions behind it mean a lot to me. I no longer want to be hindered, or let the people I love be hindered by the lack of love I show myself. I want to give myself love specifically because I deserve it. Without this understanding of my pain, I would not have been able to come so far. I've kept myself hidden in the dark for so long, I am ready to see the light. I have been yearning to nurture myself, which is why I tend to treat everyone else like a baby. I didn't want to acknowledge how underdeveloped I allowed myself to be. I'm baby :) ... Now that I know this, treat baby right! Don't neglect her!
Note: I actually got all my journals stolen, so I’m starting brand new. This was my last excerpt from my old journals. We in a new season bayyybeee. Haha
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