How did we get here? Good question! This is my cooking and wellness blog! So sometimes y'all gone get cooking realness, and sometimes y'all gone get spiritual journey realness. I gotta give God the glory because I actually would not be here without God. I prayed and asked Him what I should do, and I was met with an overabundance of support in sharing my testimony and sharing my passion for food. I was also given the courage to step outside the box, own who I am, and live a hopeful life through faith. I wholeheartedly believe that you can do what you are good at and what you love, while you help others, and make a career for yourself too. I believe that even when the odds are against you, if you want something bad enough, and you put in enough effort, you will receive it. God will always give you your heart's desires.
I've been holding off from releasing some of my journal excerpts because I was caught up on "how" I was going to release it. But "how" isn't really my business, God's going to work that out... God just called me to share my testimony with you. All I know is that I've finally reached a point of conviction where I'm confident enough to speak, transparently. So, for now, I'm going to write in journal format so you can understand that my journey isn't a perfect one. I don't have it all figured out, if anything, I don't know anything at all and through understanding that has allowed me to witness God's true power. At first, I thought it was corny, but having the word of God on each page literally saved my sanity. September 2019, I was most vulnerable, because I had walls I was willing to break down, without any blueprint on how to build myself back up. While there was judgment cast on me for wanting to heal from my pain instead of numbing it, I also struggled with letting go of the mindset that I always had to take whatever label I was given.
| September 30, 2019 | 5:35 am |
What am I holding onto? The feelings that I'm feeling are normal. I'm not "crazy." I'm dealing with understanding parts of myself I've pushed behind my view. Life is a harmonious experience of both highs and lows. I have to not only acknowledge the things that bring me pain but embrace them. I have nothing to be afraid of. By understanding what brings me sadness, I can finally let it go so I can cultivate more room in my heart to love.
To Tyra:
Love yourself, and don't believe the lies you tell yourself. Be mindful of the way you think, and be patient with yourself. You don't have to respond to people exactly when they ask you something. You can admit that sometimes, you don't actually know how you feel instead of making something up. You can be open with people. The lies only come when you don't take the time to acknowledge the questions you're being asked. You're not acknowledging the questions you're being asked because you're scared to admit that you're not all-knowing. All the things you feel won't be uncovered in one day, and it takes real determination and bravery to do so. Learn how to integrate the balance between the positive and negative parts of your life so you don't dump on the people you love. Instead, appreciate the beauty in life by celebrating how far that you've come.
| 7:25 am |
I think I'm ready to receive the truth. The truth is that I am hurting myself. Driving myself insane. It's not a mental illness, but a physical ailment that I have manifested onto my body. I'm dehydrated because I've cried out all my tears. I cried out all my tears because of all the pain in my heart. But I am the one who created that pain in the first place from holding onto things that I need to let go of. I have to allow the pain to flow out of my heart, but at the same time, I have to preserve my wellbeing. When I need rest, I have to conserve my energy. I can't waste all my energy protecting myself from myself. Sometimes you have to be allowed to just be. Experience life. Love. You don't have to "fix" yourself, only take better care of yourself if you truly want a new beginning.
"Telling your story is a radical act of healing if your reality has been denied or you've been conditioned to protect the feelings of others at the expense of your own." - The Holistic Psychologist
The truth isn't always an easy one. Sometimes, the truth is that it isn't your job to take the pain away from other people. Sometimes all you can do is let people know how you feel, that you care about their wellbeing, and allow them to come to the realization of the truth themselves. All you can do is hold a space for them so they understand they aren't alone in this, and that they have support to keep them grounded.
| 8:18 am |
I can finally see. When we put ourselves first, we can see the bigger picture. We all have our own journey to go on. Our connections to each other should not interfere with our own personal soul searching, it should empower us and give us insight. But you have to do the work to understand yourself first, otherwise, you'll never receive insight, only advice based on other people's personal experiences. You have your own personal insight that will come when it is time. Trust the process. Trust the truth. Only then can you be set free.
| 10:01 am |
I have to make a decision. Do I want to restart the cycle of feeling sorry for myself, or will I grow and cultivate a new love for a new generation? Ultimately, the choice is mine. I won't listen to the lies that everything is set in stone. We all have options. I choose love every time.
The truth is that loving each other is not enough to keep us grounded. We also have to understand the value of seeing when people have reached their limit in love. We have to honor that people can only meet you as far as they've come themselves. Love is not a dictator, and it won't force you to understand or make you share. It has to come from the heart, not the parts of you that gain joy from seeing the joy in others because that is self-serving. Everyone is not always going to be ready to receive love, so their joy won't always be evident at that moment. Does that mean they do not deserve love, or that they have reached their limit in love? Respect people's limits because the limits correspond to where they are in their journey. If you try to push people past their limits, I'm sure you will see a side of them they're not ready to acknowledge. A side of them that you're not ready to acknowledge within yourself. That you do not only bring out the best in people but the fact that if you're not mindful and patient, you can bring out the worst in others too. You can not only lead people into the light but also complete and total darkness that they haven't learned how to maneuver yet. Learn how to maneuver in your own darkness, before you guide others into the light.
Ask yourself why you value seeing the good outcomes. Surely it is so you don't have to acknowledge all the bad outcomes you have also created. Let's take some time to acknowledge the truth. You are not good, you are not bad. You are the harmony between the two. By acknowledging this, you can cultivate a new beginning, but you cannot do it alone. If anything, you are simply a bystander. One who has been both the protagonist and the antagonist.
The truth is not always palatable. It's an acquired taste, which is why we have to go on our journey's separate. Everyone will not always be ready for the truth at the same time.
During this time, I had some physical pain, so I went to the ER, and I was told nothing was wrong with me. Afterward, my mom asked me did I want to see a psychiatrist. In my ignorance and aim at obedience, I said yes, assuming she meant therapy... this is how I ended up admitted into a mental hospital, not for being a danger to myself or others, or even for being gravely disabled, but for coming to a spiritual awakening. I was initially pretty hurt by it, but at the same time, I understand that people can only meet you as far as they've come themselves. So, to mend my own heart, I forgave everyone involved in that traumatic experience. I could not move forward in life until I did. Individuals don't always understand that they're repeating patterns from their own lives and their own experiences, and in my naivety neither did I, so I first forgave myself and made it my duty not to put people on a pedestal and hold them to unrealistic standards anymore. We're all human, and we all make mistakes. As women, we are often told to be submissive, and complacent, but that's a dangerous way to live. No matter the credentials or the title, people's opinions are never as objective as we would like to think they are. That is where the importance of having a solid sense of self comes in. If you are used to pleasing people, you will be left to carry not only your own burdens but the burdens of everyone else, too. How people treat you has nothing to do with you, and when you understand that, you can find your own serenity. When I lost every label that had been assigned to me, that is when God found me.
| 9:27 pm |
Life is like a box of crayons.
It is up to you what you wish to see.
You can see the beauty in variety,
Or the limits of your reality.
Crayons will just keep being crayons.
Only you have the power to manifest your reality.
When I was about 19, I was actually self-admitted to a mental hospital because I was overwhelmed with work and my social life. While there, I met three people that inadvertently taught me some lessons that humbled me in the near future. Since I got sent back to the hospital under different terms not even 4 years later, I really started noticing who I thought I was by how I looked at other people.
"When you make yourself a savior, by default you see everyone else as a victim..."
The first person I got acquainted with in the hospital was a young woman who we're going to call Tiff, and I didn't see it at the time but Tiff was very similar to me because she was very reactionary. When I bumped into her outside the hospital, initially I was pretty happy. But I also projected my insecurities on her and said that I shouldn't keep in contact with her because she'd be a bad influence. Fast forward to 22 years old, and here I was, back without Tiff's help... ironic.
There was a guy I met while I was there and he was so sweet. He was there because he wasn't very connected to the way the collective reality works. People were so afraid of being ignorant, they'd actually antagonize him, and when he'd respond in a hostile way, they'd use his response as justification against him. He didn't need to be fixed, he needed some love and proper care. Down the line, I found his social media, but I wasn't fair to him. I judged him in my thoughts, said he probably wasn't doing better and used him for an ego boost. In reality, I only felt superior to him so that I didn't have to acknowledge that we weren't as different as I wanted us to be.
One day, as we all sat at the table for lunch, Tiff decided she wanted to say something to this elderly white man. He was a very grumpy old man, so he must not have given her the response she wanted, and Tiff, as a natural a hothead, was about to blow. Seated at the table was also an older black woman that Tiff loved to talk to. Before Tiff even had the chance to respond, the elderly woman was so wise, she said in the calmest voice, "I don't know why you're even bothering that man. You know he's racist, so focus on yourself." That was a revolutionary statement for me because that was the first time I've ever heard someone honestly say people don't need to be fixed. It was revolutionary because, she was basically saying if you can't show people love without expectations, focus on giving that love to yourself.
When you make yourself a savior, by default you see everyone else as a victim. That is doing everyone a disservice. You aren't acknowledging how far other people have come on their own. For you to be in the same predicament as someone else and think you are obligated to help them before yourself is a distraction set only so that you don't have to deal with your own pain... so, what is causing you pain? Get to the bottom of your own feelings before you expect others to. You can't blame people who don't know you, for not knowing you. All you can do is be yourself, not who you think people want you to be. There isn't anything wrong with caring about people, just make sure you take some time to care about yourself first.
Honestly, what happens inside this hospital is out of my control. What happens outside this hospital is out of my control too. All I can do is control how I respond. Take some time to not only be patient with your progress but literally being patient in the way you express yourself. Question the thoughts in your head that make you feel like you have to respond on the spot. You are not reactionary, you are proactive. Question yourself first, so you're not caught off guard when people ask you questions about difficult topics. You have to not only be aware of these topics but understand that people will not always respect your boundaries on these topics. You have to embrace these topics on your own first so that you're not blindsided by people's unconventional methods. If you're not comfortable acknowledging certain topics alone, that's how you'll know which topics you aren't ready to talk about with other people yet.
Give yourself a chance to breathe. The body is a living thing. Sometimes your body will send you messages when it is simply trying to protect itself. Trust your body, considering you're the only one who is actually inside your head. If you need help, you have to ask for it, otherwise, no one will know anything is wrong. Have boundaries in love, but boundless love for yourself.
In conclusion, writing helped me understand parts of myself I was much more used to ignoring and denying. When I started writing, I realized I wasn't as much of a picture-perfect know-it-all as I thought I was, and in a way that was actually pretty liberating. My whole life I craved a connection with other people, but I manifested that in an unhealthy way. I derived my worth from how other people viewed me and I was never really allowed to just be. On one end, I did everything possible to be accepted, and on the other end I did everything possible for the shock factor, which inadvertently caused rejection, but in both extremes, it was only to mask who I really was for fear of being seen as abnormal. In God, I let go of all that fear. In God, I was unchained so that I may be able to be that courageous, strong-minded, assertive, tactful, empathetic woman who knows what she wants, is heard, and is a natural leader. And for that, I'm forever grateful because I'm forever blessed.
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